When I look back in 5 years, maybe these will be the reasons I'm living where I am

I have a question that is difficult to ask: how many friends do you have? Hopefully, because it is written and not spoken to your face, you will not get defensive assuming that I'm trying to either raise myself up or push you down. But, if you are willing, I do want to know the actual number, and if I could I'd like to ask you to make categories between levels of friendship. I ask because it's been something I've been thinking about.

I'm not going to try and tie this together to I'll just give some of the relevant parts.

I'm not sure if I am a social person. I enjoy people most of the time, some more than others, but there isn't a huge difference. I don't believe that I have the option of choosing who I love and so I try to treat the people I like and those I don't the same. While there is a distinction between those two different relationships, I also don't believe in the common understanding that one person cannot or should not attempt to love everyone. To use an example: I believe that listening is a way I can attempt to love everyone, but I generally don't talk as much unless I like someone. Basically, how much I talk is a better indicator of our friendship than how much I listen to you. This has caused some problems, because I think that most people hold talking and listening in the opposite regard. The result seems to be people who think I like them better than I do, which while it may sound really bad, is not a big deal to me.

When I meet someone new, I rarely feel comfortable. Because of my inability to see the world beyond myself, I assume that they feel uncomfortable too. I try to carry the conversations and be more outgoing than I am to try and make them feel more comfortable. Eventually, if we become friends, I shift from talking to asking questions, responding and storytelling, which I prefer a lot more. This only happens once I'm comfortable with someone. The easiest way to make me comfortable is to start carrying the conversation. I'm pretty sure this is why a lot of my friends are girls.

I am like a child that is playing peek-a-boo. If a person is out of sight, they no longer exist to me. I have theories of why this is but I don't like sharing them with people. Couple this with the fact that I don't enjoy most forms of communication such as phones, skype or facebook and you have the fact that I rarely even talk to my parents when I'm away from home.

I most naturally show my love by spending time with people and trying to understand who they are. I try to back this up with words of insight and encouragement, especially in relation to problems or crises.

I really enjoy living in a community because it's very easy to be in consistent contact with people. I can walk to where they live and communicate with them face to face. I also really enjoy the forced nature of the relationships; I know that if I do not put in the effort to build friendships I will not be happy. The opposite for me would be my work, where I saturate in my self-love and weakness as I use my breaks to read and only talk to those I like.