The theory goes like this.
I think that people will agree with me when I say that there are some who just seem to have a natural level of confidence. There are also people who, in general, just seem to care more about people. My first question is if you know many people who are both; people who care deeply and yet have an ability to not care what people think?
I say that because I think that's a huge part of what confidence is. To be able to distance yourself from what people think. To me, confidence is the ability to be sure about something, be there real or perceived proof or not, to the extent that it makes it more true. This is most often demonstrated in self confidence and exhibited in all forms of life. Tiger Woods is so good at golf because he knows that he is the best, therefore making himself even more likely to actually be the best. He probably got there through many years of different steps but now when he hears someone say that he isn't the best he probably just laughs at them and never thinks twice about it. This might seem obvious but I'm guessing that as I do, you also know some people who can't hear a comment like that and not wonder if their self view is wrong. No level of practice or ability will give them the gift of true confidence.
On the other side, caring is being able to bring yourself as close as possible to what other people think. To be able to plan the perfect surprise party you need to know not only that your friend likes chocolate better but that they have been talking about that new restaurant for a while now. If you care about your friends then you must value what they think so that you can help them. The better you internalize their thoughts the better you are able to help them. Now it is less likely that you know people that have trouble caring but I'm guessing that's because most of you don't have friends who have excelled in areas where huge confidence is needed. It may be that the big shots just don't have time but did they have the time before they made it.
Now it's important that I clarify that I'm talking across the board. Everyone will care about some people and everyone will have some confidence but they just might not be very good at it. The place I see this theory the most is in the difference between males and females. Guys, generally speaking, tend to be more confident and less caring. Girls, generally speaking, tend to be more caring and less confident. I think I can summarize it quite simply: one group tends to dwell more on what people think. It is a curse and a blessing to both. They are who they are.
So is it impossible to have both? Have you thought of anyone yet who can show both types? What about someone who excels in both confidence and caring? What would it take? A naturally caring person would have to learn the precise time of when to 'turn off' their ability, slowly teaching themselves this new skill of being independent of other people's praise and scorn while retaining their compassion. A naturally confident person would need to learn how to give something to people that they don't really need themselves, becoming involved with people for no other reason. I can't imagine that either are easy and that's why I think it's such an unlikely combination.
Are you willing to prove me wrong?
Showing posts with label Serious Stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Serious Stuff. Show all posts
Monday, May 4, 2009
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Leadership 2
Before you read this you should read Leadership and read the comments. It would also help if you knew the people leaving the comments but that is unavoidable.
If I came across a blog like that and left a comment not knowing what the theory is I would probably say:
Determination/Work Ethic
Vision
Humility
If I was to leave a comment as the author fulling the question, I would probably add understanding. Let me explain why.
Six people left a total of 17 traits. There were some duplicates but I counted 12 separate traits that a leader should have. Now I respect the opinions of my friends; they are not experts but they are all intelligent people. Why do our answers vary so much? Is it okay to just write it off as a relative truth, that leadership is different to every person and that's just how it is. I don't want to go all Postmodern on you but I almost agree.
I think that when people think about leadership they have a tendency to think about perfection. Maybe they should and maybe they shouldn't but our society teaches us that the greatest honor is to be a leader. If you are a leader, you are put onto a higher pinnacle, you are put on a different scale. So it is natural to want a leader to have the qualities that you think are best.
I'm not surprised that Iceman put wisdom, that Breaden put encouragement, that Grbreg put humility, that Rabbit put loyalty, that Laura put passion, that Erika put honesty. I'm not surprised because I think that those qualities are incredibly important to each of you personally. You want a leader to exhibit what is best in you, or at the least, something you'd like to exhibit.
I can't follow someone if they don't at least work as hard as I do. I can't believe in someone if they don't know what they're doing. I will not respect a leader if they do not put other people before themselves.
I do not think that understanding is necessary for leadership. I think that it could help but it isn't in my top three. But if I could, I would want my leader to have it. Because, I will be more willing to be lead if they embody something that is that important to me.
I think that leadership really boils down to one major thing. The ability to gain the respect of those you are trying to lead.
Well that's the first step at least.
If I came across a blog like that and left a comment not knowing what the theory is I would probably say:
Determination/Work Ethic
Vision
Humility
If I was to leave a comment as the author fulling the question, I would probably add understanding. Let me explain why.
Six people left a total of 17 traits. There were some duplicates but I counted 12 separate traits that a leader should have. Now I respect the opinions of my friends; they are not experts but they are all intelligent people. Why do our answers vary so much? Is it okay to just write it off as a relative truth, that leadership is different to every person and that's just how it is. I don't want to go all Postmodern on you but I almost agree.
I think that when people think about leadership they have a tendency to think about perfection. Maybe they should and maybe they shouldn't but our society teaches us that the greatest honor is to be a leader. If you are a leader, you are put onto a higher pinnacle, you are put on a different scale. So it is natural to want a leader to have the qualities that you think are best.
I'm not surprised that Iceman put wisdom, that Breaden put encouragement, that Grbreg put humility, that Rabbit put loyalty, that Laura put passion, that Erika put honesty. I'm not surprised because I think that those qualities are incredibly important to each of you personally. You want a leader to exhibit what is best in you, or at the least, something you'd like to exhibit.
I can't follow someone if they don't at least work as hard as I do. I can't believe in someone if they don't know what they're doing. I will not respect a leader if they do not put other people before themselves.
I do not think that understanding is necessary for leadership. I think that it could help but it isn't in my top three. But if I could, I would want my leader to have it. Because, I will be more willing to be lead if they embody something that is that important to me.
I think that leadership really boils down to one major thing. The ability to gain the respect of those you are trying to lead.
Well that's the first step at least.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Strength
I have some time this afternoon while everyone is in classes. I'm going to take it and use it to tell you about something that is important to me. I'm going to try to describe a point of my world view, something that is fundamental to understanding me or anything that I do. I hold this view because I think that it is true and so I'd like you to think about it. If nothing else, take it and use the knowledge to help your relationship with me.
Let me give you a situation. There are two friends, A and B, hanging out together. A is a funny person. A is so funny that both are keeled over laughing within a short time. So, in a way, for those few urinated moments, the skill that was A's is shared between them, or at the very least, it doesn't matter who the funny one is. Now say the two friends are separated and with other people. A is still making jokes and there is still laughing but something is missing. B and their irresistible laugh are gone. In fact B is with C, who is a bit of a humorist but nothing as good as A, yet they are laughing too, just as much as A is with D. Why? Because B is so good at laughing and having a good time that they actually make C more funny. Their strength builds up another person.
How many times have you been nervous to do something in front of other people? When has it been harmful to have a friend there who believes in you? Maybe the best you have is a person who has all the pride in the world and they can be a real jerk sometimes and the best they can say is that "you'll do well because I'm up there too and I never screw up" but it helps. And you know it helps. Their pride, which for you in this moment is strength, becomes your strength too when you go up there with them.
To make a personal example: small talk. When I am with a person who is outgoing and likes to talk it makes it very easy for me because I can relax and through out witty comments. I love doing that. They can carry the conversation, that does not bother me at all. But the opposite is a disaster. If I am with a person I do not know and they are nervous about meeting new people and quiet and introverted I am making stupid comments and stressing about how exhausted my conversation pool is after 3 minutes. If I have to carry the conversation, with someone I don't know, I generally fail. My weakness becomes obvious. But when the other person has strength, even just enough strength for a positive vibe or two, then it can seem as if I am good at those sort of conversations.
I think that strength, if it is real strength, is like thermal energy. It has no choice but to transfer from a place where there is more to a place where there is less. And the more that there is, the warmer each person is in the end.
Let me give you a situation. There are two friends, A and B, hanging out together. A is a funny person. A is so funny that both are keeled over laughing within a short time. So, in a way, for those few urinated moments, the skill that was A's is shared between them, or at the very least, it doesn't matter who the funny one is. Now say the two friends are separated and with other people. A is still making jokes and there is still laughing but something is missing. B and their irresistible laugh are gone. In fact B is with C, who is a bit of a humorist but nothing as good as A, yet they are laughing too, just as much as A is with D. Why? Because B is so good at laughing and having a good time that they actually make C more funny. Their strength builds up another person.
How many times have you been nervous to do something in front of other people? When has it been harmful to have a friend there who believes in you? Maybe the best you have is a person who has all the pride in the world and they can be a real jerk sometimes and the best they can say is that "you'll do well because I'm up there too and I never screw up" but it helps. And you know it helps. Their pride, which for you in this moment is strength, becomes your strength too when you go up there with them.
To make a personal example: small talk. When I am with a person who is outgoing and likes to talk it makes it very easy for me because I can relax and through out witty comments. I love doing that. They can carry the conversation, that does not bother me at all. But the opposite is a disaster. If I am with a person I do not know and they are nervous about meeting new people and quiet and introverted I am making stupid comments and stressing about how exhausted my conversation pool is after 3 minutes. If I have to carry the conversation, with someone I don't know, I generally fail. My weakness becomes obvious. But when the other person has strength, even just enough strength for a positive vibe or two, then it can seem as if I am good at those sort of conversations.
I think that strength, if it is real strength, is like thermal energy. It has no choice but to transfer from a place where there is more to a place where there is less. And the more that there is, the warmer each person is in the end.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
The Third Course
So my friend "Rabbit" made a good point, one that I forgot. I think there is a difference between honesty and always telling the truth. The ninth commandment is "do not give false testimony" and though I am not willing to check cultural differences of the -1300ths (right now), I do not think that Jesus was saying "do not lie". I believe that it would make the most sense if it is understood that you do not deceive. If at any point you are saying something for personal gain, even if it is a half truth, that is not good.
When I tell stories I have a loose relationship with the truth. I can justify that because I believe I am a storyteller and lies make the tale more interesting. Case in point: Jeordie didn't really peel his fingers from the arm rests and I never wear underwear when I'm driving. But, it's just more entertaining that way. I'll probably never change that. Most of the things I say are ridiculous. If I am relaxed and with people who like to laugh I start to say things that don't even make sense. I'll get goofy and then there's no bringing me back. I also like sarcasm which on the literal translation isn't too truthful.
The problem is those gray zones. You lie when you make a joke but you're really protecting yourself. I hope that at the very least, you know the different for yourself.
So here's a truth question. You are in Nazi Germany and the SS knock at your door (they decided to be polite). You are harbouring a Jewish family upstairs and they are hidden, to your knowledge. There are Jewish kids, maybe this is the family of Anne Frank. They ask you if you are hiding Jews. What do you say?
When I tell stories I have a loose relationship with the truth. I can justify that because I believe I am a storyteller and lies make the tale more interesting. Case in point: Jeordie didn't really peel his fingers from the arm rests and I never wear underwear when I'm driving. But, it's just more entertaining that way. I'll probably never change that. Most of the things I say are ridiculous. If I am relaxed and with people who like to laugh I start to say things that don't even make sense. I'll get goofy and then there's no bringing me back. I also like sarcasm which on the literal translation isn't too truthful.
The problem is those gray zones. You lie when you make a joke but you're really protecting yourself. I hope that at the very least, you know the different for yourself.
So here's a truth question. You are in Nazi Germany and the SS knock at your door (they decided to be polite). You are harbouring a Jewish family upstairs and they are hidden, to your knowledge. There are Jewish kids, maybe this is the family of Anne Frank. They ask you if you are hiding Jews. What do you say?
Friday, June 27, 2008
Second Helping
Big things should not be taken on late at night with little motivation. I wrote the last post because I felt a bit forced to get it done and I didn't really feel like writing it. I think it is disappointing and bland. I plan on improving it eventually.
So last night as I got through part of it I wanted to write a different blog. The problem is that this second though required that the first be in place to have any support. This is the second one:
I believe in truth. This time I'm not talking about personal truths or was that the world can be categorized or spewed about but the direct link of truth and lying, when you know you are lying. This one does not involve metaphysics or even a lot of thought to identify. Personally, I know when I am lying. I can feel it. It is just that simple.
Generally I lie for three reasons: it is fun, it can save time and it can protect feelings.
Lying can be a lot of fun when . . . Diplomacy.
I save time by lying in little situations. When someone asks me if I remember that one guy I might say yes. I might say yes because I sense a funny story coming on that really does not care if I know about guy A. It could be women M for all I care because those stories generally don't get less funny if you do not know their particular characteristics. Your friend will tell the story and you both laugh and you never talk about guy A through L for the rest of your lives. Does it matter if you lie there? If you tell the truth of your unknowledgeableness then you break the flow like that word breaks this sentence. So it is a lie, that is true, but you or I do it more for the sake of the story than to protect our own perfect memory complex.
Lying can protect people's feelings when they are emotionally unstable. If a friend come to you crying, you try to comfort them. You could tell them sweet things about themselves or try and make it better by hating what made them sad or saying that no one really knows how to tie their own shoes. You could tell them that the kids in school do not believe in Santa Claus because their parents are demons. You could say things can are not true but that would be lying. For myself, I do not like to lie about very serious or personal things and so when I believe that I am telling the truth and other people think that I am lying, it hurts. Or if someone asks me what I really think of them and I tell the truth, it can hurt.
The problem is that you are still lying. How I see it, people do not really want to lie but they feel that lying is the best way to go considering the alternatives. The question is, is possible to tell the truth and still have friends?
I believe that it is, but it is much harder to do. I really only lie for one reason: it is easier. If I lie to make a friend feel better, I do not have to go to the effort of actually going through my memory to find a positive example of how they are better than this, even though they failed right now. If I lie, I do not have to deal with the repercussions and try to show my friend that I still love them with acts of kindness. If I stop lying, maybe my friends will stop asking me if I know that guy and just jump straight to the story, saving us both time. If I stop lying in Diplomacy, maybe I will win more. Do I have the courage to try it out?
So last night as I got through part of it I wanted to write a different blog. The problem is that this second though required that the first be in place to have any support. This is the second one:
I believe in truth. This time I'm not talking about personal truths or was that the world can be categorized or spewed about but the direct link of truth and lying, when you know you are lying. This one does not involve metaphysics or even a lot of thought to identify. Personally, I know when I am lying. I can feel it. It is just that simple.
Generally I lie for three reasons: it is fun, it can save time and it can protect feelings.
Lying can be a lot of fun when . . . Diplomacy.
I save time by lying in little situations. When someone asks me if I remember that one guy I might say yes. I might say yes because I sense a funny story coming on that really does not care if I know about guy A. It could be women M for all I care because those stories generally don't get less funny if you do not know their particular characteristics. Your friend will tell the story and you both laugh and you never talk about guy A through L for the rest of your lives. Does it matter if you lie there? If you tell the truth of your unknowledgeableness then you break the flow like that word breaks this sentence. So it is a lie, that is true, but you or I do it more for the sake of the story than to protect our own perfect memory complex.
Lying can protect people's feelings when they are emotionally unstable. If a friend come to you crying, you try to comfort them. You could tell them sweet things about themselves or try and make it better by hating what made them sad or saying that no one really knows how to tie their own shoes. You could tell them that the kids in school do not believe in Santa Claus because their parents are demons. You could say things can are not true but that would be lying. For myself, I do not like to lie about very serious or personal things and so when I believe that I am telling the truth and other people think that I am lying, it hurts. Or if someone asks me what I really think of them and I tell the truth, it can hurt.
The problem is that you are still lying. How I see it, people do not really want to lie but they feel that lying is the best way to go considering the alternatives. The question is, is possible to tell the truth and still have friends?
I believe that it is, but it is much harder to do. I really only lie for one reason: it is easier. If I lie to make a friend feel better, I do not have to go to the effort of actually going through my memory to find a positive example of how they are better than this, even though they failed right now. If I lie, I do not have to deal with the repercussions and try to show my friend that I still love them with acts of kindness. If I stop lying, maybe my friends will stop asking me if I know that guy and just jump straight to the story, saving us both time. If I stop lying in Diplomacy, maybe I will win more. Do I have the courage to try it out?
Truth is just one thing. truth is a lot of things.
I had a grade 12 English teacher that I really liked. Before that class, I didn't particularly like English. Maybe it was the first day when he told us that he was going to manipulate us all year, like it was his job. He is my favourite teacher. One of the things that came up a lot in his class was truth. He was say that there are two types of truth. The capital "T" which is an absolute and the lowercase "t" which is conditional and driven by perspective.
Okay so what does this mean. Well lets look at each of our lives. What is your absolute belief. I'm not asking if you have one here, but what it is because everyone believes something fully. Even if your Truth, is that all Truth is truth then so be it. It makes a confusing sentence but it looks in a lot of minds. I know it can work in mine. I do not want to get into all the Truths out there because I'm not ready to talk about Religion at 10:30 at night, even though I will not go to bed for five hours. What I will say is the way I see Truths. Truths require that all parts of them are true. True truth too. If that is not the case, then it is not Truth. If something contradicts the Truth then something is false. And not necessary the something you don't believe. That is what I believe Truth is. So what is yours?
The other truth is a little more difficult to nail. It is the truth of chocolate over vanilla or the truth of unequal information. This truth is the one you believe without really knowing everything about it. No, I'm still not talking about Religion. This is the my least favourite colour is pink moments before meeting mauve. But that is understandable, it is a personal favourite and people are allowed to change their opinions. What about facts. Most of what our parents were taught in school is wrong. What we knew about that person we met 3 months ago is wrong. What we thought was Truth in science three days ago is wrong. Look at quantim phsyics. Actually don't look at quantum physics, just look at your own life. How many things have you been wrong about that you knew you were right? How much of the world do you know? How much experience do you have? How much wisdom do you have? How much right do you have, calling the shots of what other people should believe?
The last one seems like it is a bit strong but it might be true. To the very least, what we believe to be true is the world of our children and generally those around us. If it isn't, well then you're a wuss and that is the truth. You need to believe something and believe it enough that it shows but I have a problem trusting human judgment, even my own. You need to believe something but you also need to have doubts about it. Otherwise, you are nothing more than it.
My simplified point is that truth is complicated. Now go and figure it our for yourself. And heed the words of George, "Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it".
Okay so what does this mean. Well lets look at each of our lives. What is your absolute belief. I'm not asking if you have one here, but what it is because everyone believes something fully. Even if your Truth, is that all Truth is truth then so be it. It makes a confusing sentence but it looks in a lot of minds. I know it can work in mine. I do not want to get into all the Truths out there because I'm not ready to talk about Religion at 10:30 at night, even though I will not go to bed for five hours. What I will say is the way I see Truths. Truths require that all parts of them are true. True truth too. If that is not the case, then it is not Truth. If something contradicts the Truth then something is false. And not necessary the something you don't believe. That is what I believe Truth is. So what is yours?
The other truth is a little more difficult to nail. It is the truth of chocolate over vanilla or the truth of unequal information. This truth is the one you believe without really knowing everything about it. No, I'm still not talking about Religion. This is the my least favourite colour is pink moments before meeting mauve. But that is understandable, it is a personal favourite and people are allowed to change their opinions. What about facts. Most of what our parents were taught in school is wrong. What we knew about that person we met 3 months ago is wrong. What we thought was Truth in science three days ago is wrong. Look at quantim phsyics. Actually don't look at quantum physics, just look at your own life. How many things have you been wrong about that you knew you were right? How much of the world do you know? How much experience do you have? How much wisdom do you have? How much right do you have, calling the shots of what other people should believe?
The last one seems like it is a bit strong but it might be true. To the very least, what we believe to be true is the world of our children and generally those around us. If it isn't, well then you're a wuss and that is the truth. You need to believe something and believe it enough that it shows but I have a problem trusting human judgment, even my own. You need to believe something but you also need to have doubts about it. Otherwise, you are nothing more than it.
My simplified point is that truth is complicated. Now go and figure it our for yourself. And heed the words of George, "Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it".
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