Kids and Countries

Today I am going to tell you about a way that I think. I hope it will show you two things about myself: one, that I believe that many things are interconnected, and two, that I judge many situations by placing their value in their long term results and big picture applicability.

The interconnected aspect is one that is more likely to be known about me. For my Senior Seminar class last semester, I wrote an essay that asked questions about how people change as they study Peace and Conflict Transformation. My assumption being that if people are going to be successful at Peace and Conflict academically, they will need to become more aware and more skilled at dealing with conflict intra- and inter-personally. This is often known as the "peace must come from within" cliche.

The second aspect that I want to describe here is a little more difficult, and so I will use an example from the summer camp. I helped set up a penalty shot game. As we were playing though, many of the kids tried to break the order of turns and take a number of extra shots. Each time, I tried to stop them - many times I could not - scolded them a little and tried to return to the order. As I was doing this, some of the other volunteers shook their heads at me, non-verbally suggesting that I should either give up the activity or let the kids decide. I did not though, but stuck to it.

The reason is because of the second aspect. When I look at that situation, I do not just see kids shooting a football, but I see the relationship of power and fairness. I see the struggle of certain groups that are unable to get there legitimate way, and the desire of other groups to dominate. I see the temptation to let the situation sort itself out and take a position on the sidelines. When I am in that situation and I am getting frustrated, I remind myself that this is probably training for when I will need to stand up to real disparities; situations when I do not have the power of physical strength or authority but when backing down leads to diminished rights at the least, and genocides at the worst. I honestly view dealing with children today as training for significant portions of my later life.

In a really strange way, I relate that one kid that is trying to steal the ball and use it for himself and his friends as any imperialistic country. While I'm not sure if I see myself as the United Nations, I do see this small struggle as a microcosm of very real world problems. Because the world has had many issues when the struggle for equality has been suppressed or ignored, I cannot ignore that struggle, no matter how small of a form it may take. Maybe it is crazy, but it is the same reason why I try to challenge my friends to be better friends, not just for the sake of their current relationships, but so that they will be better wives, husbands, mothers and fathers.

The question that remains is this. Is it good to think in this way? It provides me with a significant amount of motivation and allows me to change my interpretation of struggles into challenges, but are there downsides that I do not realize? Am I in danger of taking the true meaning out of events and falling into messianic legalism (someone who takes on suffering only to follow the rules; ya I made it up)? Will this thought process lead me on a path towards attaining those long-term big picture goals, or will I fall short surrounded by a life of unenjoyed 'trainings'?

Well, whatever happens I'll probably do the same thing on Monday.

When I look back in 5 years, maybe these will be the reasons I'm living where I am

I have a question that is difficult to ask: how many friends do you have? Hopefully, because it is written and not spoken to your face, you will not get defensive assuming that I'm trying to either raise myself up or push you down. But, if you are willing, I do want to know the actual number, and if I could I'd like to ask you to make categories between levels of friendship. I ask because it's been something I've been thinking about.

I'm not going to try and tie this together to I'll just give some of the relevant parts.

I'm not sure if I am a social person. I enjoy people most of the time, some more than others, but there isn't a huge difference. I don't believe that I have the option of choosing who I love and so I try to treat the people I like and those I don't the same. While there is a distinction between those two different relationships, I also don't believe in the common understanding that one person cannot or should not attempt to love everyone. To use an example: I believe that listening is a way I can attempt to love everyone, but I generally don't talk as much unless I like someone. Basically, how much I talk is a better indicator of our friendship than how much I listen to you. This has caused some problems, because I think that most people hold talking and listening in the opposite regard. The result seems to be people who think I like them better than I do, which while it may sound really bad, is not a big deal to me.

When I meet someone new, I rarely feel comfortable. Because of my inability to see the world beyond myself, I assume that they feel uncomfortable too. I try to carry the conversations and be more outgoing than I am to try and make them feel more comfortable. Eventually, if we become friends, I shift from talking to asking questions, responding and storytelling, which I prefer a lot more. This only happens once I'm comfortable with someone. The easiest way to make me comfortable is to start carrying the conversation. I'm pretty sure this is why a lot of my friends are girls.

I am like a child that is playing peek-a-boo. If a person is out of sight, they no longer exist to me. I have theories of why this is but I don't like sharing them with people. Couple this with the fact that I don't enjoy most forms of communication such as phones, skype or facebook and you have the fact that I rarely even talk to my parents when I'm away from home.

I most naturally show my love by spending time with people and trying to understand who they are. I try to back this up with words of insight and encouragement, especially in relation to problems or crises.

I really enjoy living in a community because it's very easy to be in consistent contact with people. I can walk to where they live and communicate with them face to face. I also really enjoy the forced nature of the relationships; I know that if I do not put in the effort to build friendships I will not be happy. The opposite for me would be my work, where I saturate in my self-love and weakness as I use my breaks to read and only talk to those I like.

Somethings you should know

Can you describe yourself in one sentence?

"I am a unusual person who has a strange habit of either talking too much or not at all"

That one works pretty well for me. You get the important parts yet it's not super personal. It alludes to deeper parts of my personality (or lack of one) but the talking part is very practical and generally the first thing people see.

I just finished "facebooking" most of the people from my Outtatown site. I check the info page to see if there was anything interesting and to see what types of quotes they put up. I think you can learn a lot about someone if you look at their quotes. You certainly can get a better picture of me if you read mine. I also looked for blogs or other ways to learn more about them. It's not that I don't believe in conversation but I think that some things are easier to write and read then speak.

So, what if you had to make a list? Could you compile some things that people need to know. If someone you trust asked you to tell them a little about yourself, what would you say? It's a strange question and an even stranger situation but one that I find myself in. I generally trust the other people in my site but we really don't know that much about each other. I want to let other people know who I am, but I'm not the type to bring it up without someone asking the question. So lets pretend that someone thinks like me, checks out my facebook page, finds this blog, and would like to ask me about myself but is either too afraid or hasn't got the opportunity to do so yet. This would be my list:

I'm an introverted person.
Understanding is my greatest ability.
I really enjoy public speaking.
I love to tell stories, and explain things and comfortable silence.
Being delusional is one of my biggest fears.
I'm really bad with groups of people I don't know.
I have a reason for everything I do.
To get me angry, tell me things you think you know about me.
I almost always love it when people ask me questions.
I'm quite an untruthfully honest person.
I believe I was born to be 45.
I'm good at adapting.
I learn by listening.
If I don't get assassinated, I'll probably be disappointed with my life.
I love winning.
I'm quite independent but I care too much what other people think.
I think that everyone loves me.
I don't like being treated unfairly.
Generally, compliments will get you nowhere.
I work like a sponge.
I'm still trying to figure out if I have a personality.

Figure out your list. I might be asking you soon.

Strength

I have some time this afternoon while everyone is in classes. I'm going to take it and use it to tell you about something that is important to me. I'm going to try to describe a point of my world view, something that is fundamental to understanding me or anything that I do. I hold this view because I think that it is true and so I'd like you to think about it. If nothing else, take it and use the knowledge to help your relationship with me.

Let me give you a situation. There are two friends, A and B, hanging out together. A is a funny person. A is so funny that both are keeled over laughing within a short time. So, in a way, for those few urinated moments, the skill that was A's is shared between them, or at the very least, it doesn't matter who the funny one is. Now say the two friends are separated and with other people. A is still making jokes and there is still laughing but something is missing. B and their irresistible laugh are gone. In fact B is with C, who is a bit of a humorist but nothing as good as A, yet they are laughing too, just as much as A is with D. Why? Because B is so good at laughing and having a good time that they actually make C more funny. Their strength builds up another person.

How many times have you been nervous to do something in front of other people? When has it been harmful to have a friend there who believes in you? Maybe the best you have is a person who has all the pride in the world and they can be a real jerk sometimes and the best they can say is that "you'll do well because I'm up there too and I never screw up" but it helps. And you know it helps. Their pride, which for you in this moment is strength, becomes your strength too when you go up there with them.

To make a personal example: small talk. When I am with a person who is outgoing and likes to talk it makes it very easy for me because I can relax and through out witty comments. I love doing that. They can carry the conversation, that does not bother me at all. But the opposite is a disaster. If I am with a person I do not know and they are nervous about meeting new people and quiet and introverted I am making stupid comments and stressing about how exhausted my conversation pool is after 3 minutes. If I have to carry the conversation, with someone I don't know, I generally fail. My weakness becomes obvious. But when the other person has strength, even just enough strength for a positive vibe or two, then it can seem as if I am good at those sort of conversations.

I think that strength, if it is real strength, is like thermal energy. It has no choice but to transfer from a place where there is more to a place where there is less. And the more that there is, the warmer each person is in the end.

Seinfeld

One of the things that I believe is that if you are trying to understand what a person is saying, it is helpful to try to understand that person, at least in part. If you have no idea who I am and you just strolled here by accident, there are a few things you should know about me to help you digest anything you read here. One of those things is Seinfeld.

Simply put, Seinfeld is a picture of my basic personality.

I started watching that show a while ago. I remember a few years back when I discovered that it aired for two episodes from three to four every day after school. So the ritual began. All throughout high school, if I did not have a sport or school commitment, I would watch my favourite show. My friends generally kept hang out time reserved for the weekend and since I have only done about 50 hours of homework for the last 18 years, little kept me from my daily ritual. I loved the show and I still do.

Looking back, I wanted Seinfeld's life to be my life (No wait, the other way around but it did not really matter what happened to him). I wanted to have friends walk into my apartment; we would have crazy conversations and then later pose as Nazi imposers. I wanted to have THAT table at the coffee shop and a crazy neighbour to boot. I really wanted to be the guy that people would come to with their problems and a few sarcastic jokes aside, everything would be solved in 22 minutes.

I kept watching that show and eventually the day came when I realized that it was also on at ten, again for two episodes. With two hours of a show about nothing, each day, I soon ran out of new episodes. But that did not stop me. I still watched it and today I can recall most of the plots with a few prompts. It is safe to say that it went beyond a little healthy obsession. Seinfled shaped my life.

That's no hyperbole either. If you look at the characters and myself, it can be a little scary. George, with his ridiculous theories, characteristic story-telling and an ability to talk his way out of anything; Elaine's furiously dominating personality when something goes wrong and a strong belief in the truth; Kramer's monologues filled with strange voices, even stranger gestures and unlikely situations; Jerry's sarcastic wit and the faint light of sense and reason he holds; all of these things are within my life. All these things, are in my personality. Even the systematic analysis of every social norm: from how long before you can dump someone who turns out to be a recovering drug addict to the social status of a make believe architect. An episode of Seinfled fairly accurately describes my life.

The question I leave you with is this. Is it because I intuitively or subconsciously knew, at a young age, that all these things were part of me that I love Seinfled or is it because I love Seinfled that these traits are now in my life?